TAKE AWAY THE MICROPHONE AND IMMA SAY IT ANYWAY

watched about 3 hours of tv today. thank God for it.

anw.
today wasn't a good day.
i just didn't wanna talk. like. i just wanted to be left alone.
but it seemed as though no one would allow that.
what's wrong with wanting to be left alone.
stop asking if i'm okay when you can get the answer from my eyes. oh. sorry i forgot. like steph said before, most people don't realise things. or rather. they don't bother looking. they don't bother caring. it's all about them i guess.
like who the hell asks if someone is okay when everything else says otherwise. ahwell.
i mean. some ask out of concern. but. isn't it obvious?
and who the hell says no, i'm not. when they truly aren't.

and like i've said before
i do not like being called emo cos that's just not it.
it's just not.

sometimes. people jsut have to learn to leave someone alone.
maybe that'll help much more than asking the obvious.
trust me, i'm not against asking if someone is okay, but don't you think ... ah nevermind.
it's sort of an oxymoron..whatever i was about to type.
i'm sure most won't get what i'm trying to say.
but some do.
(and i thank God that you do.)

i really felt like exploding just now.
like walking off to a corner.
maybe toilet. (eh no. so smelly)
just somewhere quieter or smth.
like. i just wanna be alone.
not that i'm not alone enough at home, but. i don't wanna be around people. i don't wanna be a spoiler or smth or gain sympathy or attention of any sort, cos believe me when i say that the last thing i want(ed) is(was) attention being drawn to myself.
i really wanted to ask ya'll to leave me alone, but there was my high S kicking in and all. so i put up with all of it instead. i really wanted to get out of expo, or away from the crowds at least. i wanted to go to like maybe east coast park or smth. i don't know. i really like it there. haha. but you get the point.

then it got better when i started playing the golf game on my phone and started winning rae. haha. somehow that golf game perked me up.

thank God for keshia too.
it really meant alot when you stayed with me to wait for my mum.
i don't know. especially today.
that's why i thanked her for waiting.
don't usually do that.
and i thought it might've sounded awkward, but i truly meant it.

and yes God.
i want a hug.
oh no. please don't get me started on me wetting the keyboard again, please.
i just want a hug.
i knw i got 1 from you last night.
but i want 1 more.
can't you just come down as a person to give me a physical one?
like send your angel to me or smth.

i just wished i had someone not only to walk in laughter and all with me, but even more to walk in SILENCE. not referring to my future other half in particular..just..someone. you know?

no. but then again.
i don't.
i don't want that person.
i don't ever want to be close to anybody ever.
or any animal, for that matter.
i don't want it.
i don't wanna lose it.
not anymore.

maybe when i ascend to heaven, but not now, please.
call me selfish, but i really don't wanna spend my whole life finding friends/company for life and end up losing it.
i don't wanna get married, cos i don't wanna end up like her.
so don't come and tell me that i can only date if i see myself getting married to the person, cos i'm telling you now, i don't. i don't wanna picture myself getting married. not since i was 7.

i don't wanna end up having kids i can't handle
having them detest me in the end because of my desperate attempts to reach out to them
having to worry each day if my husband still loves me, if he's happy, if he regretted getting married to me.
i don't ever wanna have to think and worry about those things.
and it's not as if i can help not wanting to get married.
i hope my perception will change.
but from what i know about me now, -not anytime soon.

anw.
i'm like holding onto daddy's pillow as i'm typing.
i used to be able to smell his scent from the pillow, but for some reason i can't tonight. maybe its because they've just changed the sheets after he left for china. haha.
that's just stupid. cos i want so much to be reminded of him.
in fact, when mum used to scold me, she would say,"you're becoming more and more like your father, not answering when i'm talking to you." (or smth like that.) i would feel honoured, to be totally honest. you see, if that was what reminded my mum of daddy when she saw me, then so be it cos she saw daddy in me anyhow.

lotsa people have asked me what i would like to do or be when i grow up.
most common answer-do some business thing or smth like that.
in actual fact.
i wanna be just like my dad.
no, you didn't get it.
i wanna be just like MY DAD.
you have no idea how happy i was when he told me about his calling being revealed to him by God and with me assisting him at his right hand.
you have no idea how proud of me i felt he was. like. he held me in such high esteem.

many people ask why i wanna go into accounting.
i don't.
but daddy wants me to.
thats true.
but i DO.
cos DADDY WANTS ME TO.
if it means numbers for the next 10 years, so be it.
cos daddy wants me to.
i don't care what you say about my daddy's plans for me, how ever you think it totally sucks and all, i'm telling you i don't care cos it's MY DADDY'S plans. and because its his plans, they are the BEST. nothing else trumps it. except God's, of course. haha. but daddy is fully aware of that, and in his life, God is number1, and i thank God SO MUCH for that.
even if my life were to fail for some reason, like accounting becomes like so not in demand and i become jobless and there's nothing else i can do cos i was tained only in that area, i will still thank God for my dad. COS HE'S THE GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD, PERIOD.

and daddy God's the greatest in the universe(:

but i'm so sorry and i hate myself for saying this.
but i still can't forgive her.

not yet.

i'm almost 100% sure that both her and daddy don't know that i know what happened when i was a baby and daddy was working long hours. i'm sure they don't and i hope it stays that way.
i don't need sympathy.

maybe i need attention.
loads of it.
but not sympathy.

how i wish i could be as independent as i was when i was 5.
that daddy would be working almost 18 hours a day and mum at work to and i could be left alone, and both would not have to worry cos i could take care of myself, not letting any strangers into the house and all. they would even leave for malaysia or smth and leave me all alone for a few days, but it was okay.
not anymore.
i guess i've grown to be so much more dependent on daddy esp these few months (maybe 2 years?)
can't imagine me without him.
ahwell.

i've been talking so much about him.
well. that's almost all i've been thinking about since friday when i was so pissed that they didn't wake me so i could send him off. i stayed up all night cos i was so afraid i wouldn't wake up in time.
well. i guess it was better this way, wasn't it?
i would just be pissed at mum for not waking me and all and forget (for a moment) that he's gone already to china.
i wanted to throw a huge tantrum. haha.
but nope.
kept it all to myself.
tried to sleep it off.
went to the gym and tried to run it off.
nope.
none of it worked.

well.
that's what i do best huh.
keeping it all to myself.

thinking so much about the most trivial matters that it bothers me so much.
why do i always think so much into things.
steph says its not that i think too much.
it's cos others don't.
haha.
thanks for the encouragement. haha.

but seriously.
ahwell.
it's just another day for me.
i mean.
life has to go on right.

what life.

life full of hurts and pains?

neh.

life to live for God.
for me-life to live for daddy too.

i would just die if we were eternally seperated. (but wait. we would be dead already.)
that's the only thing that's keeping me from dropping dead now in church with a dead cell and an almost dead (in my opinion) ministry. (God too, of course, is keeping me going.) the only thing that's alive is God. the people are dead.
FCBC is.
but i won't move until God says move.
yup.
you heard me.

wish i had an older sibling.

wish i wasn't alone in this.

CREDITS
BLOGGER
DEVIANTART
GINAF-